So, with 20 miles (2%) of my goal down in 4 days, I’m doing pretty well. If I keep up this pace, I’ll actually finish my goal sometime in March, but we’ll see if that actually does anything. I even got complimented for a nice run at the end, and wasn’t feeling quite as horribly tired after my .2 miles of running at the end. Tomorrow, assuming I can move my feet, I’ll probably go for .3. Anyhow, on to the “my thoughts” part of this blog!
I am the perennial nice guy.
I am an incredibly easy-going sort of person. Getting me to say stuff I want to do or get for my birthday or Christmas or whatever is practically like pulling teeth. Even when there’s something I really, greatly, desire (like asking someone to the Liberty Ball) it takes an enormous effort of will for me to actually do it. The closest I ever get in normal life to asking for what I want is dropping the occasional hint or pointing at what I want with my normal sarcasm. I also really enjoy making other people happier, whether it’s through humor, or doing nice things for them, or whatever I can think of at the moment. Even if all I’m doing is providing someone they can bitch at, like happened some last semester with the whole D&D controversy. However, I’ve never quite figured out how to make me happy.
This probably comes from the roles “gentleman” and “pushover” mixed up in my brain. I have no real fear of death or anything, and would gladly leap into action to beat the crap out of anyone hurting either one of my friends or essentially any woman. I’m not the “oh, you can do anything to anyone and I’ll just hang back” sort of pushover. I have a very violent temper, but it’s on a very few issues and I can generally contain it. However, I’ve never quite figured out how to transfer the energy or enthusiasm I have in other things to relationships. Friendships are usually enjoyable to me, but I find them extremely hard to maintain properly. Relationships are even worse. Don’t even get me started on relationship with God.
For instance, for relationships in my little worldview, to win a girl a guy must have some really amazing qualities. He can have one or two flaws (even major ones), but in the end if a guy has a lot to offer and hasn’t raped a kitten or something, then he gets the girl. Yes, I watched a lot of romantic comedies growing up, including huge amounts of Pride and Prejudice. Essentially, if the guy isn’t a huge jerk (or even if he is, but realizes it and fixes it), then a guy with pretty much any good qualities can get a girl.
Delving a little bit deeper (and here’s where the *real* risk of self-pity comes in), I am one of those people entirely unable to think anything good about themselves. If I get an A-minus in a class, I think “Gee, I should have gotten an A” even if it’s a stupidly hard class. This isn’t just the normal “it’s hard for me to take compliments” thing like a lot of people have, but I find it next to impossible to even say something nice about me in my own head, even when I probably actually deserve it. I have basically 0 self confidence, which is probably the root of a lot of my problems. And, even then, that’s probably rooted in my lack of good relationship with God somehow. The thing is, though, that even when I was a teenage and had the periodic bits of really good relationship with God, I never had a great view of myself.
I believed that “being humble” was a good thing, and that “being humble” was best accomplished by beating myself up all the time (sometimes literally. Mom was never happy about that). The weird thing was, I was always the best at almost everything. I always won debates, got As on papers, was the top piano player in my little school, and just generally did great on everything. And I always felt a little awful inside about it. When I first got to PHC, I still had that streak of “I can do anything” confidence, which was quickly squooshed. However, when I wasn’t the best at everything anymore, that just let the little internal voice get louder, because it had more ammo. Basically, in the battle between self-confidence and self-criticism which had been at a standstill in high school, self-criticism won after a semester or two and I’ve been having battles with it ever since.
Anyhow, I think I’m just rambling at this point anyways. Thanks for peering into the inner-workings of my mind. I hope it helps you understand me more (assuming there’s anyone reading this at all). I have no idea what I’ll write about tomorrow. We’ll just see how it goes when it gets there.
Peace,
Felix
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